Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Jul 10, 2018 12:54 pm

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:28 am

I walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked me what I had. I said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down my name, address, medical insurance number and told me to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked me what I had.

I said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down my height, weight, a complete medical history and told me to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked me what I had. I said, 'Shingles...'

So the nurse gave me a blood test, a blood pressure test, an ecg and told me to take off all my clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found me sitting patiently in the nude and asked me what I had.

I said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

I said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Jul 15, 2018 10:46 am

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Alabama back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather round. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:23 am

Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than childbirth- one year later, a man will never say "I want to get kicked in the nuts again"
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
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Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:24 am

I asked my wife what she would like for Valentines day.
She replied, "Something that will go from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds".
So, I bought her a bathroom scale.

Thats when the fight started.
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 16, 2018 8:40 pm

Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why. Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

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