Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Jul 10, 2018 12:54 pm

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:28 am

I walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked me what I had. I said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down my name, address, medical insurance number and told me to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked me what I had.

I said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down my height, weight, a complete medical history and told me to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked me what I had. I said, 'Shingles...'

So the nurse gave me a blood test, a blood pressure test, an ecg and told me to take off all my clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found me sitting patiently in the nude and asked me what I had.

I said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

I said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Jul 15, 2018 10:46 am

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Alabama back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather round. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:23 am

Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than childbirth- one year later, a man will never say "I want to get kicked in the nuts again"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 16, 2018 9:24 am

I asked my wife what she would like for Valentines day.
She replied, "Something that will go from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds".
So, I bought her a bathroom scale.

Thats when the fight started.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 16, 2018 8:40 pm

Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why. Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

__________________
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Jul 19, 2018 8:07 pm

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you, sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs... After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Cody, Wyoming"

"Really", she said. "I have family in Cody".

"I know." the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney.

She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Jul 19, 2018 8:08 pm

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Then let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Fri Jul 20, 2018 1:25 am

That's a good one. :D
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 840
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:14 pm

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – Which book has
helped you most in your life?
The woman replied, My husband's check book!!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 23, 2018 8:16 am

A man returns home from a doctor's appointment in obvious distress. His wife asks if anything is wrong. He says, "The doctor told me I have just 12 hours to live."

His wife says, "Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to make your last hours happier?"

"Well, yes," he replies. "Let's make passionate love all night until I expire."

Says she, "That's easy for you to say--you don't have to get up in the morning!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Jul 23, 2018 9:39 am

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Jul 28, 2018 5:55 pm

A wife asked her husband : “ What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, “Your sense of humor.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Jul 28, 2018 5:57 pm

Walking into the bar Mike said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah? “ said the bartender. “and how did this one end?”
“when it was over, “ Mike replied," she came to me on her hands and knees.”

Really, ? “ said Charles, “Now that’s a switch ! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little coward.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:12 pm

A man with a pierced ear makes the best husband. He's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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