Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Sep 08, 2018 1:46 pm

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born
citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Sep 11, 2018 11:18 am

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Sep 15, 2018 11:13 am

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys
at grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough
for her family, she asked a stock boy
do these turkeys get any bigger
the stock boy replied ' no ma'am they're dead.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Wed Sep 19, 2018 8:18 am

I wonder if I'll have to explain this joke to anyone???

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears behind him …
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him..
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP....

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ..... practically on the heels of the terrified man....
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. .

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.

Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition,

And ...

the coffin stops.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Thu Sep 20, 2018 3:56 pm

SCOTTISH LOVE STORY

An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom with even greater effort. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon

She said................ "Bugger off!! They're for the funeral !"
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Sep 21, 2018 1:02 pm

Medical facts which all males should be aware of......

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't
much difference since either one will ultimately result in death.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Sep 21, 2018 1:14 pm

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Sep 22, 2018 11:10 am

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift..
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant..
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sun Sep 23, 2018 5:59 pm

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...


I was sitting on the couch with my wife when she asked me one of her typical female questions.

"If I die before you, would you get remarried?" she asked.

"I dunno", I responded. "I guess I might depending on the circumstances."

She continued, "If you did, would you still live in this house with her?"

"Probably" I replied.

"Would you let her drive my car?"

"Probably" I replied.

"Would you give her my jewelry?" she asked.

"More than likely" I said.

"Would you let her use my golf clubs?" she inquired.

"Oh no, no, no honey, never." I responded. "She's left-handed..."

...and then the fight started.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Sep 25, 2018 2:49 pm

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his..

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Sep 25, 2018 3:18 pm

From the Rodney Dangerfield file:

* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night,
she used me to time an egg.

* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

* Last night, my wife met me at the front door. She was
wearing a sexy negligee. Trouble was, she was coming home.

* A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody
home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

* A hooker once told me she had a headache.

* I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

* If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said,
'No, I hate myself now.'

* I knew a girl so ugly, she was known as a two-bagger.
That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag
over her head comes off.

* I knew a girl so ugly..... they use her in prisons to cure sex
offenders.

* My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the
kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

* I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got
arrested for mooning.

* The other day, I came home and a guy was jogging, naked.
I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

* My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

* I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on, I can
hear the Fruit-of -the-Loom guys giggling.

* My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the
meal.

* My family was so poor that, if I hadn't been born a boy, I
wouldn't have had anything to play with.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Sep 29, 2018 4:16 pm

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans
and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they
can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a
real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting
him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband
home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Wed Oct 03, 2018 12:49 pm

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol and yelled " I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:23 am

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103, when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Oct 16, 2018 10:12 am

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 247
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

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