Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Jims65cyclone]

An Irishman lies dying; his wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess.”
“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess.”
She holds his hand and caresses his head
“Everything is all right” she whispers.
“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...
I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your best friend's mum!”
“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.
Now close your eyes.”

[Maine Pilot]

[popscomet]

is the word counter balnce the correct way to say it ???

[Maine Pilot]

As told by a woman:


I HAD LUNCH WITH 2 OF MY UNMARRIED FRIENDS.

ONE IS ENGAGED, ONE IS A MISTRESS, AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR
20 PLUS YEARS.

WE WERE CHATTING ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIPS AND DECIDED TO AMAZE OUR MEN BY GREETING THEM AT THE DOOR WEARING A BLACK BRA, STILETTO HEELS AND A MASK OVER OUR EYES.

WE AGREED TO MEET IN A FEW DAYS TO EXCHANGE NOTES...

HERE'S HOW IT ALL WENT..........

*****MY ENGAGED FRIEND:

THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN MY BOYFRIEND CAME OVER HE FOUND ME WITH A BLACK LEATHER BODICE, TALL STILETTOS AND A MASK.

HE SAW ME AND SAID, "YOU ARE THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS. I LOVE YOU."

THEN WE MADE PASSIONATE LOVE ALL NIGHT LONG.

*****THE MISTRESS:

THE OTHER NIGHT I MET MY LOVER AT HIS OFFICE AND I WAS WEARING A RAINCOAT, UNDER IT ONLY THE BLACK BRA, HEELS AND A MASK OVER MY EYES.

WHEN I OPENED THE RAINCOAT HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD, BUT HE
STARTED TO TREMBLE AND WE HAD WILD SEX ALL NIGHT.

THEN I HAD TO SHARE MY STORY:

WHEN MY HUSBAND CAME HOME I WAS WEARING THE BLACK BRA, BLACK STOCKING, STILETTOS AND A MASK OVER MY EYES.

WHEN HE CAME IN THE DOOR AND SAW ME, HE SAID,

WHAT'S FOR DINNER, ZORRO?

[Maine Pilot]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Jims65cyclone]

A Scotsman visits Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches home plate, takes a few swings and then hits a double.

Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN!"

The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls, "Walk."

The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RUN!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams, "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[Maine Pilot]

A man walks in on his Wife watching the cooking channel.
He says to her "Why do you watch the cooking channel when it doesnt even help your cooking?"
She replies quickly "Why do you watch porn?"
He walks out....

[Maine Pilot]

A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway..
Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to
his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!”
the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

[Maine Pilot]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking;
I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[Jims65cyclone]

The very first ever Blonde Guy joke!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.'

[Maine Pilot]

[Maine Pilot]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, ' And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

[Maine Pilot]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and Ken's best friend.

[Maine Pilot]

A blond sees a letter lying on the doormat. In large letters on the front is says "DO NOT BEND". The blond spends the next three hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

[Maine Pilot]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'