Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Wed Jan 22, 2020 6:37 pm

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
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Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Jan 30, 2020 10:08 pm

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman at knife-point and asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!
Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 332
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Mon Feb 10, 2020 7:10 pm

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 332
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Feb 11, 2020 5:07 pm

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.

I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 332
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Wed Feb 12, 2020 2:20 am

"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 893
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Wed Feb 12, 2020 8:55 pm

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 332
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Thu Feb 13, 2020 4:23 pm

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut.

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
____
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 332
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

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