Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

A few Roger Dangerfield one liners (rest in peace)

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

[Maine Pilot]

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to an Indian medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' "
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he said, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.
Then she said, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, dear boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[Jims65cyclone]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...

your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Maine Pilot]

"your job is to give Elmo two test tickles." Oh, is that a good one!

[Maine Pilot]

From my friends over at MIatanet...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out
his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now,
back off or I'll kick the s#*t out of all of you!' "
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."

[BJB]

[Maine Pilot]

A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her
husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house
while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped,
"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!
Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,
potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.

His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and
asked, "Where's my dinner?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town," he replied.

[Jims65cyclone]

Dating Ad for Seniors, found in a Florida Newspaper:
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage,
good condition, some hair,
many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.

[popscomet]

Dating Ad for Seniors, found in a Florida Newspaper:
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage,
good condition, some hair,
many new parts including
hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.

thats a good one!! Ol POP is a rode hard and put up wet 48 model !! POP

[Jims65cyclone]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[SASSY]

Dr. asks his male patient if he drives a standard stick car or a column automatic,,,
Patient says automatic,,,?
Dr. pulls out his prescription booklet and begins to write a prescription for him
"Dr.?, you said I was fine, whats that for"? asks the patient.
The Dr. replies "a pair of testicles,,

[Maine Pilot]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?

The first man thought and thought and finally said: "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one" replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"

[Jims65cyclone]

A small boy got lost at the shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big t#ts."

[popscomet]

A small boy got lost at the shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big t#ts."

ARE you damn sure that wasn't POP's grd son ???????

[Jims65cyclone]

The the kid did tell the cop they came in a red 64 Comet.
Jim