Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. Both said they were in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

While strolling around the Marina this morning at about 7am, I saw a character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coast Guard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.


It is now 11am, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.


I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

When the flowers arrived at the new business site, the business owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and call the florist to complain.

The florist replied, "I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Rocket989
Posts: 1678
Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 2:53 pm
Location: Kansas City Metro

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Rocket989 »

Made me laugh out loud.....good stuff!! :lol: :lol:
'cause Johno says you gotta have a sig pic! :)
Image

caseville cyclone
Posts: 503
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:10 pm
Location: Caseville, Michigan

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by caseville cyclone »

Keep them coming,I love telling these jokes at Wednesday night get togethers at dinner with about 16 people. It always manages to put a smile on their face. Andy
Image

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

A busload of tourists was travelling through the back blocks of Ireland. The guide announced that they were now passing the oldest pub in Ireland.

An aussie voice boomed out from the back of the bus "Why?"
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Medical facts which all males should be aware of......

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't
much difference since either one will ultimately result in death.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Three married couples are in a van on a road trip when there is a horrible accident. All three couples are killed and arrive in Heaven. They are working out their arrangements when an angel asks to speak with the guys. He takes them into a giant garage and tells them the next part of the process:

"Here is something you may not know, but the kind of car you get to drive in Heaven depends on how faithful you were to your spouse. You sir, were horrible. Cheated on your wife, had multiple affairs, and felt no guilt. Your car is this broken down rust bucket clunker. Now you, second husband, you were not perfect and had a wandering eye and an encounter or two, but you tried your best and truly loved your wife. Here is a regular average sedan. However, you, husband three, you were the ideal. Loved your wife with all your heart, and never even thought once about cheating. Here are the keys to your exotic convertible supercar.

The guys all decide to try out their new rides and take a cruise down the streets of gold. They all pull up to a stoplight at the same time and begin to check out each other's rides while waiting for the green. The man in the supercar begins to weep.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other two men. "You have the best ride here by far, it's absolutley amazing and beautiful."

The man replied while sobbing, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard..."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Let me tell you, friends, that just one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

A friend of mine recently texted a short, romantic note to his wife while he was away on a football weekend, and he missed one small "e".

No problem you might say. Not so! This tiny error has caused him to seek Police protection just to enter his own house.

He wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were
her !”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.

'Of course, John,' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion ... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I
catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"



"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Winter Classes for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By Sat., Nov 13, 2010


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..


Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM


Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM


Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Last edited by Maine Pilot on Fri Jun 15, 2018 11:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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