Owner / CEO of Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'
The Pope responds, "That is impossible ! The prayer is the word of the Lord. It MUST NOT be changed !"
"Well," says the Starbucks man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."
"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it MUST NOT be changed."
The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness ?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Wonder Bread account."
Do we have a Joke Thread here?
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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Jims65cyclone
- Posts: 2764
- Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:29 pm
- Location: Lexington, SC
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Priceless!
I have a 84 Nissan pickup I need to get rid of. Maybe I should order one of these kits. I could do wonders with my Comet with the dough I'd rake in!
Jim
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Jims65cyclone
- Posts: 2764
- Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:29 pm
- Location: Lexington, SC
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Well I'll be dern! 
here I've been breaking the law all this time. but next time I see one of those signs I'll obey!
here I've been breaking the law all this time. but next time I see one of those signs I'll obey!
Johno
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other & go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are
produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and between them haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at
their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of
the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting
for Happy Hour when the drinks are half-price."
They look at each other & go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other.
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are
produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and between them haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million
and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at
their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of
the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting
for Happy Hour when the drinks are half-price."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh,what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."
"Oh,what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
-
Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with
us, also.
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story
saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with
us, also.
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I
also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer
and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a
heart-warming lawyer story
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
The Deaf Wife Problem:
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and
in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner? Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For Christ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called
the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and
in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to
30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner? Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and
asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For Christ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Lou's Comet
- Posts: 1540
- Joined: Sat Nov 26, 2011 8:56 pm
- Location: Jeannette, Pa.
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Jims65cyclone
- Posts: 2764
- Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:29 pm
- Location: Lexington, SC
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
INSTEAD of a cobb,that one on the left must'v had a cam stuck up 'em 
pop/glenda
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
I was at a bar last night and saw a beautiful woman sitting alone. So I walked up to her and asked her out on a date. She screams "No I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar was staring at me as I walked back to my table. A few minutes later she came up to me and apologized. She said she was a graduate student in psychology and was studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I yelled "What do you mean $500?!!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else