Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era "before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:

o A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

o "He had delusions of adequacy " - Walter Kerr

o "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

o "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

o "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

o "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas

o "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

o "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

o "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

o "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill in response
o "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

o "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

o "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

o "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

o "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

o "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

o "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

o "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

o "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

o "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

o "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

o "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

o "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

__________________

[BJB]

I was in court the other day and I heard the prosecutor say to the crook: I have some good news and some bad news.

“What’s the bad news?” asks the crook

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is low

[Maine Pilot]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks if he wants a beer. Rene says, "I think not!' and promptly disappears.

[Maine Pilot]

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail
lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an
expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his
lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

[BJB]

Two women talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[Jims65cyclone]

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the class the results:

1st in beer, dead.
2nd in wine, dead.
3rd in whiskey, dead.
4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
What do we learn from this experiment?

And a child responds:
If you drink beer, wine and whiskey you won't have worms.

[popscomet]

POP could have told that teacher that,,and took the worms brim fishing

[Jims65cyclone]

No worms under the tent at PF.

Jim

[Maine Pilot]

Two hunters are walking through the woods looking for large game.
One says to the other "Did you know that an elk has sex up to five times a day?"
The other hunter says "Damn. I just joined The Knights of Columbus."

[Maine Pilot]

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:

"Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius

with 13 bumper stickers which will read:

1 "I'm a Democrat"
2 "Amnesty for Illegals"
3 "I love the Dixie Chicks"
4 "Boycott Beef"
5 "I Voted for Obama"
6 "George Strait Sucks"
7 "Re-elect Obama in 2012"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell is Texas born"
10. "I love Obama care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank is my hero"
12. "I side with Jane Fonda"

and the last sticker is…

13. "I'm here to confiscate your guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[BJB]

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

[BJB]

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "

[BJB]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week". The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want". Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look , I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool".

[BJB]

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

[BJB]

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.