Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[popscomet]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"

best one yet....pop

[Aussiecomet64]

Young Patricia McIntyre was a sweet, ambitious young lady who worked as a loan officer at a large bank. Everyone liked young Patty.
One day as she went about her duties, a frog jumped up onto her desk and asked about obtaining a home loan. The frog claimed that he'd have no problem paying back the loan because his Dad was Mick Jagger. The frog even offered her a 3" tall Swarovski crystal bunny rabbit as a gesture of good will.
Poor young Patty didn't know what to make of this, so she excused herself and went to see her manager.
She told her manager all about the frog, his claim about being the son of Mick Jagger, and even showed the manager the crystal bunny, saying "I didn't know what to say- I don't even know what this thing is!"

The manager took a look at the crystal bunny and said-
(You're gonna love this...)
It's a knick-knack, Patty Mac. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

[BJB]

Subject: Missing Wife
Distraught husband filing a report on his missing wife:
Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & still has not reached home
yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pant suit or dress..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was she going in a car???
Husband: yes.
Inspector: tell me the number, name & color of the car ? . . . . . ...
Husband: Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating
333
horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission
with
manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting
diodes
for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left
door.
..and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car...

[SASSY]

Good jokes!
How 'bout some 1 liners?
So much readin, hard on the eyes!

[popscomet]

Good jokes!
How 'bout some 1 liners?
So much readin, hard on the eyes!

FRED,,they call that an Attention defecit....pop

[Lou's Comet]

A blond and brunette are walking past the florist, the brunette sees her boy friend in the store buying her flowers. She is a little perturbed, the blonde asks why. Brunette says oh nothing, just don't feel like spending the next couple days on my back with my legs in the air. Blonde asks, you don't have a vase?

Woman sitting on crowded beach at small lake. She sees a blonde on the other side of the lake with no crowd. She yells across the lake and ask the blonde how to get to the other side. The blonde says your already there.

Blonde is in the kitchen cooking. Stove catches fire! She calls fire department. Panicked she is telling operator kitchen is on fire they need to get there quick. Operator tell her to calm down, blonde still panicked yelling kitchen on fire come quick!!
Operator says I need you to calm down so you can tell us how to get there. Blonde says DUH! Big Red truck!

[Lou's Comet]

Johnny's 2nd grade class is doing a exercise on " the moral of the story" teacher asks students for examples. Johnny raise hand but teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says her family is farmers, raise chickens. She says recently they had ten eggs but only 6 of them hatched. Teacher asks her for the moral of the story. Susie says don't count your chickens till they hatch.
Teacher ask for more examples, Johnny's hand is up again but teacher calls on Mary. Mary's family also farmers, but they sell eggs. She tells how they had a big basket of eggs they were taking to market. That her grandfather dropped the basket and they all broke. Teacher says that's sad and what is the moral of the story. Mary says moral of story is don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Teacher asks for one more example, Johnny's jumping up and down waving his hand.
Teacher pauses then asks Johnny for his example. Johnny tell how his uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in Nam. His plane got shot up and was going to crash. All uncle Bob had with him was a parachute, revolver with 6 bullets and a fifth of Jack Daniels. Uncle Bob bailed out and pulled rip cord on parachute. On the way down he drank the fifth. When he landed their were 10 enemy soldiers waiting for him. Uncle Bob shot 6 of them dead with gun and had to kill the other 4 with his bare hands. Teacher is a little upset and says that's terrible, what could be the moral of that story. Johnny says the moral of the story is don't #*&# with Uncle Bob when he is drunk


Big end of the season drag race weekend at local track. Everyone is in the pits getting their cars ready. A funeral drives by on the road outside the fence of the pits. One driver removes his hat, bows his head and waits as the funeral passes by. The other drivers notice and take pause. After funeral drives by one driver walks over to the guy and tells him that was nice and very respectful. The guy responds, well I was married to her for over 40 years.

[Tbart]

A woman who was married to a big Beatles fan decided to get tattoos of Paul McCartney and John Lennon on her inner thighs as a surprise for her husband. That night, on the edge of the bed, she unveiled her surprise by spreading her legs and saying "Honey, Do you recognize these guys?" He looked and said "Well, that one on the left looks a little like Paul McCartney and the one on the right kind of looks like John Lennon, but that one in the middle is Willie Nelson for sure!"

[Tbart]

How many alcoholics anonymous counselors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb really has to want to change.

[loman]

Why did the Chevy cross the road? Because the Ford had to tow him there.

[Lou's Comet]

What do you call seeing a Chevy truck on top of the hill, answer a miracle. What do you call seeing two Chevy trucks on top of the hill, answer a mirage.

It's a really nice day and Red Riding Hood decides to take a walk in the woods. As she is leaving her village a woman working in her garden says hi to Red Riding Hood and asks what she is doing today. Riding Hood responds I am going for a walk in the woods. The woman looks a little worried. she says, ya know Red Riding Hood you have grown up into a fine looking woman. And if the Wolf catches you in the woods he is going to play with your TA-TAS. Red pulls back her cloak and shows the woman a Colt 45 strapped to her hip. Smiles at the woman and says not today.
As Red enters the woods she sees the village woodsman chopping wood. He says hi to Red Riding Hood and also asks where she is going. Red Riding Hood says hi and tells him she is going for walk in wood. Woodsman says that is not a good idea because when the Wolf finds her he is going to play with her boobies. Red shows him the Colt 45, smiles, and says not today. Red Riding hood continues thru the woods on her walk. All of a sudden Wolf jumps out from behind tree. Wolf says hey Red, looking good, now I am going to fondle your TA-TAS. Red pulls the45 and points it at the wolf. She says not today Wolf, Red then gets a big smile on her face and says, Today you are going to eat me just like it says in the damn book

[383MERC]

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"

[Tbart]

Riding along with a friend in his hotrod, as he approaches a red light he says "hold on" and punches it through the red light. "That was dumb" I say, and he says "Don't worry, my brother drives this way". We proceed down the road and as we come to a 4way stop intersection he closes his eyes and downshifts with the gas floored." That was stupid! You're gonna get us killed" I say. "It's OK,my brother drives this way all the time" says my buddy as we careen from one near death disaster to the next. Every time he just says "My brother drives this way." As we approach the next town we come to another 4way stop sign, He carefully comes to a complete stop and looks both ways several times then creeps a few inches forward and stops and looks both ways again. "Now what the hell are you doing"? I ask, and he says "My brother lives in this town."

[Red Lehr]

So a good friend of mine named Sam, had an unfortunate disease and needed a penis transplant.. He was advised to go to the penis bank and pick out a new length of manhood for his upcoming operation.So,he goes into the penis bank and the lady behind the counter shows him one that is 6 inches long, one that is 10 inches long, and one that is 12 inches long...Sam looked at the lady and shook his head and said,"M'am, those are some fine looking tools, but would happen to have anything in white ?"...

[Red Lehr]

Is it Limerick time yet ???

There once was a lady named Fay,
who was abusing herself in the hay,
she used a dill pickle ,
and said that the tickle,
is swell til the warts wear away...