I'll drink to that !!Tbart wrote:How many alcoholics anonymous counselors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But the light bulb really has to want to change.
Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
1964 Comet Caliente/1964 Galaxie 500
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Aussiecomet64
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:58 pm
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Two fellas are out doing a bit of varmint culling. One has a stock 12 gauge, the other had a sawn-off .410.
As they're climbing through a strand-wire fence, the .410 goes off, peppering it's owner fair on the willy. The poor bugger screams, undoes his pants, and sees blood squirting out in all directions.
"Oh Jeez!" says his buddy. "We need to get you to my sister as fast as we can".
"Is your sister a doctor, or at least a paramedic?" the poor guy asks.
The other guy replies "No, but she's a piccolo player, and she'll show you how to hold it so you don't pee all over yourself".
As they're climbing through a strand-wire fence, the .410 goes off, peppering it's owner fair on the willy. The poor bugger screams, undoes his pants, and sees blood squirting out in all directions.
"Oh Jeez!" says his buddy. "We need to get you to my sister as fast as we can".
"Is your sister a doctor, or at least a paramedic?" the poor guy asks.
The other guy replies "No, but she's a piccolo player, and she'll show you how to hold it so you don't pee all over yourself".
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Ahh, the "penis transplant joke" reminds me. A guy goes to the doctor and says " You've got to help me Doc, my weenie is so small, women laugh at me". The Doc says "Well, there have been experiments with transplanting baby elephant trunks, but all the bugs haven't been worked out yet". The guy says "I'll take it!". Well, the operation is successful and with his new massive bulge the guy has no trouble getting a date. He takes her to a fancy steakhouse and they are making small talk when the waiter places a bowl of hard dinner rolls on the table. From under the table, the elephant trunk reaches up and grabs a dinner roll and disappears back under the table. "That was amazing!" says the woman. "Can you do that again"? The guy says "Yeah, but I don't think I can take another hard roll up the ass".Red Lehr wrote:So a good friend of mine named Sam, had an unfortunate disease and needed a penis transplant.. He was advised to go to the penis bank and pick out a new length of manhood for his upcoming operation.So,he goes into the penis bank and the lady behind the counter shows him one that is 6 inches long, one that is 10 inches long, and one that is 12 inches long...Sam looked at the lady and shook his head and said,"M'am, those are some fine looking tools, but would happen to have anything in white ?"...
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A wife goes out for a night on the town with the girls, telling her husband she’ll be home around midnight.
Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.
She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she’s quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.
Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times signalling the late hour. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she’d come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He’d never know the difference!
That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, who was obviously hungover, and asked, “So… what time did you get in last night?”
“Oh, right around midnight, just like I said,” she replied. The husband didn’t seem disturbed at all. Her plan had worked!
“Well,” he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
“Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.
She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she’s quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.
Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times signalling the late hour. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she’d come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He’d never know the difference!
That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, who was obviously hungover, and asked, “So… what time did you get in last night?”
“Oh, right around midnight, just like I said,” she replied. The husband didn’t seem disturbed at all. Her plan had worked!
“Well,” he said, “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.”
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
“Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘oh crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and said,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof'ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and said,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof'ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A group of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters
because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and
wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golf buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had
many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was
excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace,
and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the
disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at Hooters
because they had never been there before.
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters
because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and
wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golf buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had
many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was
excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the golfers again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace,
and it was good value for the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the
disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at Hooters
because they had never been there before.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Hey, I just talked to a Chevy owner who thought Peter Pan was something under a hospital bed !!
Of course he also thought that Moby Dick was a venereal disease.......
Of course he also thought that Moby Dick was a venereal disease.......
1964 Comet Caliente/1964 Galaxie 500
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Aussiecomet64
- Posts: 70
- Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:58 pm
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
Jack and Jill were both employees at the local tomato cannery.
With the competition of cheap canned tomatoes from overseas, the company had to cut it's running costs, so the CEO told the Foreman that one employee from each section had to be laid off. Sorry, but times are tough.
This put enormous pressure on the Foreman, because all the employees were good, hard-working people, particularly Jack and Jill, but then, orders are orders.
So the Foreman calls Jill into his office and says "Jill, times are tough. It looks like I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off".
Jill replies "Well Boss, I guess you're going to have to jack off, it's the wrong time of month for me..."
With the competition of cheap canned tomatoes from overseas, the company had to cut it's running costs, so the CEO told the Foreman that one employee from each section had to be laid off. Sorry, but times are tough.
This put enormous pressure on the Foreman, because all the employees were good, hard-working people, particularly Jack and Jill, but then, orders are orders.
So the Foreman calls Jill into his office and says "Jill, times are tough. It looks like I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off".
Jill replies "Well Boss, I guess you're going to have to jack off, it's the wrong time of month for me..."
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
I'd rather do it myself if it's done right or not,,,isn't that what hotrodding is all about
Robot for sale!
A father decides to buy a robot lie detector that slaps a person when they lie.
One evening at the supper table he decides to try it out.
He asks the son what he did today, the son says homework, the Robot slaps him, he says OK OK I was over at my friends watching tv.
The father asks what he was watching, the son Toy Story, the robot slaps him!, OKOK the son says porn.
The father says he didn't even know what porn was at your age, the computer slaps the father!
The mother laughs, the boy is certainly your son! The robot slaps
her!
Robot for sale!!
One evening at the supper table he decides to try it out.
He asks the son what he did today, the son says homework, the Robot slaps him, he says OK OK I was over at my friends watching tv.
The father asks what he was watching, the son Toy Story, the robot slaps him!, OKOK the son says porn.
The father says he didn't even know what porn was at your age, the computer slaps the father!
The mother laughs, the boy is certainly your son! The robot slaps
her!
Robot for sale!!
I'd rather do it myself if it's done right or not,,,isn't that what hotrodding is all about
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Last edited by Maine Pilot on Mon Feb 02, 2015 11:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Maine Pilot
- Posts: 493
- Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am
Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
|
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
|
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else
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Jims65cyclone
- Posts: 2764
- Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:29 pm
- Location: Lexington, SC
