Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

66666666666666666666666666666666666666666...so true.

:(
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

popscomet
Posts: 9689
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

number 6 strikes a note with OL POP,also….we have been married over 51 yrs,,and she still talks during a FORD commercial on TV....IT'S LIKE TRYING TO HOUSE BREAK A BEAGLE PUPPY !! that's about the only cross word we have.....ever !!maybe one day she'll catch on,,,the kids were easy to break growing up :lol:
Image
pop/glenda

BJB
Posts: 894
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 3:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by BJB »

popscomet wrote:number 6 strikes a note with OL POP,also….we have been married over 51 yrs,,and she still talks during a FORD commercial on TV....IT'S LIKE TRYING TO HOUSE BREAK A BEAGLE PUPPY !! that's about the only cross word we have.....ever !!maybe one day she'll catch on,,,the kids were easy to break growing up :lol:
Pop , when my wife and I are watching a DVD together, and if she starts talking about unrelated stuff I tell her to wait until the commercials come on.... :mrgreen:

Bruce
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.


Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

"The IRS decide to audit Gary, they summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Gary arrives with his lawyer. The auditor says: 'Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that the IRS finds that explanation difficult to believe.'

"'I am a great gambler and can prove it,' says Gary. 'Would you like a demonstration?'

"The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Gary says: 'I bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: 'It's a bet.'

"Gary removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

"'I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye,' says Gary. The auditor can tell Gary isn't blind, so he accepts the bet. Gary removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

"The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost $3,000, with Gary's lawyer as a witness; he gets very nervous. 'Double or nothing?' Gary says. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.'

"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Gary is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Gary could do that, so he agrees again.

"Gary stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having pissed all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Gary's solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' asks the auditor.

"'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Gary told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me $60,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.'"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

May I see the new baby?' I asked
Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'


BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

An elderly man in Venice Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some of us old men can still think fast....
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said: For God's sakes, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
to date, unused.

"Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor, screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.

After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.

"This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said. . .

"Does she still have the hiccups?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses; the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat.............
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.........



The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"...

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."...

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM...
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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