Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[BJB]

Q: What would you get if you got Xmas decorations stuck in your throat?

A: Tinsellitis

[BJB]

I FEEL SAFE AT HOME AT LAST!

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each
corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, and other intelligence services are all watching
my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

[Maine Pilot]

For those of you trying to sell a car...

What the ad says

What it really means


Asking $16,000, make offer

Someone please give me $10,000


$11,500 firm

Someone please give me $10,000


$8,000 firm, no low-ball offers

Short of selling a kidney, I have no means of paying off the $7,500 balance on the loan


OBO

Just give me two thirds of what I'm asking, please God


Ran when I parked it, needs carb work

The 10-year-old gasoline in there has turned to mica


Needs battery

I don't have $100 for a new battery, and even if I did, putting in a new battery would only reveal that it won't start


Turns over, good compression

At least the damn thing hasn't seized and I'm gambling you won't show up with a compression gauge


Must go this weekend

I'm six months late on the rent and the eviction proceedings are starting to get serious


No low ballers

The payoff on the loan is way more than it's worth so I have to get an inflated price


Wife says it has to go

I haven't driven it in five years, but I'm the kind of person who feels better blaming someone else


No time to ride

I drive my new car every day because it has air conditioning and I'm lazy

Aftermarket exhaust, sounds great

Obnoxiously loud, guaranteed to tick off your neighbors


Custom paint

Been crashed


Fresh paint

Been crashed


Lots of new parts

Been crashed


Cosmetic flaws typical for its age

Been crashed


Salvage title

Been crashed really bad



Barn fresh

Mice ate holes in the air filter and headliner


Barn find

Damn, I forgot this junk was still out here


Collectible

I know, because it's been collecting dust in my garage for 15 years while I've been hoping it would go up in value


Mechanic's special

Too many problems to list


Needs a little TLC

You probably won't make it home from the sale without breaking down


Sold "as is"

If you make it out of my driveway on this thing, I don't ever want to see you or hear from you again for any reason

[Maine Pilot]

Making Your Woman Happy!



Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. It takes a hundred points for sex. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)



PROTECTIVE DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)

It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)

Tina has breast implants. (-40)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)




COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+100)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-1000)

[Maine Pilot]

Italian Bank Robbery ...

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.


"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says,

"I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

[Jims65cyclone]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”

[Maine Pilot]

At the risk of stereotyping...

Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.

I'm just sayin'...

[ants875]

At the risk of stereotyping...

Bruce Jenner had never had an automobile accident until he became a woman driver.

I'm just sayin'...

THE BEST ONE YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ant

[Jims65cyclone]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[BJB]

An old telephone-man's story…

Kansas phone problem

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

A telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[BJB]

A Mate trying toset a Password







WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

[Maine Pilot]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside ?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why ?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got some water for him, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside ?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time ?" (I JUST LOVE THIS PART)
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin !"

[BJB]

I was at the pub the other night. Went to the dunny, pushed the door open and immediately went arse over 'cos someone had pissed all over the floor. I picked myself up, cleaned myself up, and did the needful. I was just washing up when another bloke came and and slipped over too. I gave him a wry smile, and said "I just did that". He got up and punched me.

[BJB]

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."


One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.


Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."


Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."


Doctor: "This is petrol!"


Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back a couple of days later to recover his money.


Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."


Doctor: "But that is petrol!"


Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."


Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."


Doctor: "But this is $500..."


Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

[Jims65cyclone]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'