Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Thu Dec 01, 2016 9:45 pm

I was sitting having a quiet beer at the bar last night, when his fat horrible looking woman with BO, rotting teeth and red hair walked up, slapped me on the ass and said:
"You're cute, how would you like to give me your phone number ?"
I turned to her and said " have you got a pen? "
"Sure" she replied fumbling in her pockets...
"Well ya'd better get back in it before the farmer finds you're missing"
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Jims65cyclone » Mon Dec 12, 2016 3:26 pm

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange……………….Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!"
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Jims65cyclone » Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:13 pm

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Fighter pilot from Georgia started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The old fighter pilot replied, 'These are Carol's.'
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Sun Jan 08, 2017 8:19 pm

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
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Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Jims65cyclone » Tue Jan 10, 2017 3:04 pm

An Italian alter boy went to confession.
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell. '
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Mon Jan 23, 2017 1:13 am

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 809
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Feb 07, 2017 11:30 am

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and his blond wife in Twinsberg,
Ohio were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer
say, "We?re going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snow plows can get
through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.


A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We?re expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
said, "We?re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset and, with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"


Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in
the garage this time?
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Wed Feb 08, 2017 1:37 am

On the loony fringes of our political landscape we now have three major contenders

Far Left
Far Right
and Far Kennel
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 809
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Sat Feb 11, 2017 6:44 am

Was in the city recently and went up to this really cute looking homeless girl and asked if I could take her home.
She said yes and looked really happy until I picked up her cardboard box and walked off with it............
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 809
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Sat Feb 11, 2017 3:00 pm

A nice, calm, and respectable lady
went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight
into his eyes, and said,
“I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,
“Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed,

“Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband

Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 187
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Mon Mar 13, 2017 6:28 am

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 809
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Fri Mar 24, 2017 11:21 am

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 187
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby BJB » Sat Mar 25, 2017 11:35 pm

AFTER an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you’d like to ask me about?” “In fact, I do,” the old man said. “After my wife and I have sex, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly.” A short-time later, the doc examined the patient’s wife. ”Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” He said. “No,” the old lady replied. The doctor then said to her, “Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why?” “Oh, that crazy old bugger,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January.”..
"I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of drought and flooding rains,..enough with the floods already..."
BJB
 
Posts: 809
Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2011 2:49 pm
Location: Terra Australis (Down under to the Yanks)

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Mar 28, 2017 9:22 pm

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks
great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight,
so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The
light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"
he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during
the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!
the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.
"He's pissin' in the refrigerator again!
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 187
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Postby Maine Pilot » Tue Mar 28, 2017 9:26 pm

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, “Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything
from the sound it makes."

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It’s a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, “It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why you are wrong
Maine Pilot
 
Posts: 187
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 6:39 am

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