COMET CENTRAL

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to conf...

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the fat...

A volunteer working at the local charity realized that they had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer called up the lawyer to persuade him to contribute. "Sir, our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $900,000, you don't give anything to c...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around t...

There were 5 of us expecting fathers there anxiously waiting and trying to talk each other through the anxiety. A nurse finally came out and we were all hyper focused on her. She come up to the guy next to me and says, “Congratulations, you're a father of twins." The man says, "That's crazy, because...

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz , Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after it's stop in New York. This would have...

Q: What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
A: Aw, shucks!

Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire.

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window when it's raining really heavy outside.
It would be a lot less weird if she let me in.

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so w...

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he could stop at any time!

A guy said to a wise man, "Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

The wiseman said yes.

The guy said, "Is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

The wiseman said yes.

The guy said, "Can I have a penny?"

The wiseman said, "Sure, just a second."

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made...

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, "Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have tha...

Dad: You should become a cop..

Daughter: I don't want to.

Dad: You chase the same men they do. Might as well get paid for it.