Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Jims65cyclone
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Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

An Iowa farmer drove to a neighbors' farmhouse in his Falcon Ranchero, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can send dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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Maine Pilot
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 493
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A guy said to a wise man, "Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

The wiseman said yes.

The guy said, "Is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

The wiseman said yes.

The guy said, "Can I have a penny?"

The wiseman said, "Sure, just a second."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 493
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he could stop at any time!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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Jims65cyclone
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Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk was opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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Maine Pilot
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Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.

He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night

to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.

When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"

he says, "George is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom,

and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.

"He's peein' in the refrigerator again!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 493
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window when it's raining really heavy outside.
It would be a lot less weird if she let me in.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 493
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Q: What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
A: Aw, shucks!

Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 493
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz , Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after it's stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York, it hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting it's delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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Jims65cyclone
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Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at
least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which
he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year-old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then
do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's
the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to
a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,
and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from
bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now... where's
that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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