Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Jims65cyclone]

An Iowa farmer drove to a neighbors' farmhouse in his Falcon Ranchero, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can send dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Maine Pilot]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

[Maine Pilot]

A guy said to a wise man, "Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

The wiseman said yes.

The guy said, "Is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

The wiseman said yes.

The guy said, "Can I have a penny?"

The wiseman said, "Sure, just a second."

[Maine Pilot]

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he could stop at any time!

[Jims65cyclone]

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk was opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[Maine Pilot]

An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.

He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night

to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.

When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel,"

he says, "George is doing fine!

But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom,

and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel.

"He's peein' in the refrigerator again!

[Maine Pilot]

My wife thinks it's weird that I stare at the window when it's raining really heavy outside.
It would be a lot less weird if she let me in.

[Maine Pilot]

Q: What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
A: Aw, shucks!

Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire.

[Maine Pilot]

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz , Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after it's stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York, it hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and eagerly awaiting it's delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

[Jims65cyclone]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at
least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money
in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the
three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which
he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You
have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year-old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You
have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then
do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's
the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he
drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to
a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming,
and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from
bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now... where's
that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Maine Pilot]

There were 5 of us expecting fathers there anxiously waiting and trying to talk each other through the anxiety. A nurse finally came out and we were all hyper focused on her. She come up to the guy next to me and says, “Congratulations, you're a father of twins." The man says, "That's crazy, because my brother and I own Twin Liquors." The nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations, you're the father of triplets." The man says, "That's also crazy, I work for the 3M Company." The nurse tells the third guy," Congratulations, you're the father of quadruplets." The man says, "That's also crazy, I work for the Four Seasons hotel." I noticed the last man walked off so I looked around and saw him banging his head against the wall so I ran over, put my hand on his shoulder, and asked "What's wrong?” He looks at me with these bleary eyes and barely manages to get out - “I work for 7UP."

[Maine Pilot]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. T. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Maine Pilot]

A volunteer working at the local charity realized that they had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer called up the lawyer to persuade him to contribute.
"Sir, our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $900,000, you don't give anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community?"

The lawyer replied, "First, did your research show that my father is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times his annual income?"

The volunteer mumbled, "No sir."

"Second, that my sister needs money for her tuition payments?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology but was cut off.
"Third, that my niece's husband died in a horrific traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated volunteer said simply, "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

Now on a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again.
"And I don't give them any of my money, so why should I give any to you?!"

[Maine Pilot]

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"
A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?", the others ask.
"I work for 7 Up!"

[Maine Pilot]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you." When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
"The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
"About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. "We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. "How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."