Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved, blah blah blah...

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Syria, and her plane got hit by enemy fire and she had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down in case the bottle broke, and her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens!,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Tambo
Posts: 163
Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2012 6:15 am
Location: Gold Coast, Australia

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Tambo »

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five-hour walk about 5ks through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 200 metres of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor man!"
"No," the man replied, "I'm just a really, really ordinary golfer"
66 Cyclone GT: 390, 4 sp Top Loader, 3.25 9inch
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Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I pass by this ancient mailbox every day on my drive to work. The old rusty box is nailed to an oak that has to be 150 years old.

After 6 years of passing it by I decided to open the box to see if anything was inside. After all, there isn’t even a house nearby to which it could possibly serve anyway. Any home it serviced was long ago torn down I’m sure.

I noticed an ancient letter inside. I looked at the post mark date and it said July 7, 1903. Due to age and moisture the addressee on the envelope was not readable, so I opened up the envelope hoping to find some local history and a good story I could share with you.

Here is what the letter inside said. “We at Carriage Shield hate to be the bearer of bad news Mr. Mallard but we have been trying to reach you about the warranty on your buggy, it has expired. Please take a few minutes to sign up for our 2-horse plan and never worry about those expensive wheel and horseshoe repairs again.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded and dirty..

You're crazy to go to Rome ..

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser..

" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.

Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.

You and a million other people trying to see him.

He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.

You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great!

They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the heck did that to your hair?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze?
He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy fishing gear? He again said no, he stopped fishing 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home get you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & fishing!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Baileysvillager
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun May 03, 2020 12:20 pm

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Baileysvillager »

Thanks for the jokes. The last two made me laugh.

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the freeway coming home from shopping. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Have you tried the new restaurant on the moon? Nice food but no atmosphere.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, “I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it.”
“You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?” the preacher asked.
“No, the one about adultery did,” the old man said. “As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'FindAmeliaEarhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD:

With my old man, I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house, we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry.
We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway. "

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide. "

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect. "

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

SASSY
Posts: 4510
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:32 pm
Location: Wynndel, BC CANADA

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by SASSY »

Friends don't let friends do stupid stuff,,, alone!
Somebodys signature on another forum😀
I'd rather do it myself if it's done right or not,,,isn't that what hotrodding is all about?
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Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

This was surreal.... yesterday I was traveling behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it…there was a human toe packed in a bag on ice.
After getting over my I thought someone probably really needs this, so I called the hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?

The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck......."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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Jims65cyclone
Posts: 2187
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

Well....I got something done this weekend. I put a rear end in my recliner.

Jim
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215/65/15 front, 235/60/15 rear

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