Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

Heard in a confession booth:
Man: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes.
Priest: Is that even possible? I gotta hear this!
Man: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share.
Priest: You forgot pride.
Man: No, I'm pretty proud of this!

[Maine Pilot]

Had an appointment with a psychic next week, she called to cancel, said I was going to be busy.

Water is heavier than butane, because butane is lighter fluid.

[Maine Pilot]

More "Groaners"...

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What does a sprinter eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!

Why are elevator jokes so funny?
They work on many levels.

What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
Live stream it.

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.

I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

[Maine Pilot]

Two hunters are walking through the woods and come upon a large hole in the ground, pitch black. One of them tosses a stone in and says “I didn’t hear it hit!” The other hunter says “I know, help me with this rusty old anvil and we can toss it down there.” So they drop it in and seconds later this goat, going like 80 miles an hour, shoots past them and down the hole. Just then they hear calls of “Becky? Becky?”. A farmer comes out of the woods and asks “Did you guys see a goat around here?” The hunter says “Yeah! it just went down that hole!” the farmer replies “That’s impossible! I had her chained to an anvil!”

[Maine Pilot]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

[Maine Pilot]

I had amnesia once… or was it twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I am neither for, nor against apathy.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses side saddle.

What is a “free gift"? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

[Maine Pilot]

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

[Maine Pilot]

I've always wanted to get a job as a mirror cleaner. It's something I could really see myself doing.

Also, it would give me time to reflect on what I was doing.

[Maine Pilot]

If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

[Maine Pilot]

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing!

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" Dad: "No sun.”

[Maine Pilot]

If you liked the ones above, here's a couple more...


Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An Investigator!

Q. What do you get when you cross a snake with a tasty dessert?
A. A pie-thon!

Q: What's the smartest animal?
A: A fish because they stay in schools!

[Maine Pilot]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

[Maine Pilot]

Dad: You should become a cop..

Daughter: I don't want to.

Dad: You chase the same men they do. Might as well get paid for it.

[Maine Pilot]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,
"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"
"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."
"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,
"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

[Jims65cyclone]

Jim