Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Off Topic Posts Welcome. Personal Attacks, Profanity or Obcenity will not be Tolerated.
User avatar
Jims65cyclone
Posts: 2484
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just a Saturday night fever.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? "Some day my prints will come."

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard to do without him.
Image

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

Whomever stole my anti-depressants--I hope you're happy now!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

User avatar
Jims65cyclone
Posts: 2484
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

A termite walks in to a bar and says "Is the bartender here?"

Jim
Image

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven:
When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
And then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - Very tall, long eyelashes and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says. "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says. "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news , some good news , and some really great news . Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first.”

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay.”

"Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?”

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?”

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Jimmy needed a job, but due to a tragic accident he had lost both arms, in as much, no one would hire Jimmy.

Then he saw an ad that the local church was looking for a bell ringer. In the interview the head priest was skeptical. "MY son, how on Earth will you ring our bell with no arms?" he asked. "I can do it, and I'll show you I can" said Jimmy.

So they went to the steeple and Jimmy, using a ladder, got up on the steeple wall and in a huge leap he jumped over and grabbed the bell rope by his teeth and swung back and forth ringing the bell perfectly. He was hired on the spot.

After several years of bell ringing success, Jimmy came to work one day with a cold. While ringing the bell Jimmy got an uncontrolable urge to sneeze and when he did, he lost his grip on the rooe and flew right out of the steeple to the ground..

While walking to church two priests came upon Jimmy's mangled body. "Father do you know this man?" asked one of the priests. The other priest replied "Well I'm not really sure, but his face rings a bell."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

popscomet
Posts: 9679
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

this last so called joke was posted in bad taste,,,JMO,,,POP
Image
pop/glenda

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

User avatar
Jims65cyclone
Posts: 2484
Joined: Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:29 pm
Location: Lexington, SC

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Jims65cyclone »

Two good ol' boys in a trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

Jim
Image

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

My neighbor has two dogs, Casio and Rolex. Say's they're his watch dogs.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Dog-gone furniture store keeps calling me. They don't get it.... all I wanted was a one night stand.

Grandpa said: "If they had time to put up a sign... why not fix the bump?"

I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I'll let you know.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed... well, except one person.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 461
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Post Reply