Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time-weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.
But nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay", grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

This guy is retired but his wife still works, she comes home from a hard day of work and asks her husband "what did you do all day"? He replies "nothing", she says "you did that yesterday"!
He says, "I wasn't finished"!!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Not exactly a joke, but these may put a smile on your face.

These are actual Burma Shave signs from awhile back:


For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.

Before there were interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.

They were small red signs with white letters.

Five signs, about 100 feet apart,
each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet
and the obligatory 5th sign
advertising Burma Shave,
a popular shaving cream.


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE.
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING.
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT.
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE.
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU.
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPING
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE.
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING.
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW.
Burma Shave
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Dumb simply means you don’t know better. Stupid means you never will

No one knows that I am famous...

If you’re knees bent in the other way what would a chair look like ?

I am planning to be spontaneous

How old do you have to be to die of old age?

“A friend of mine is a pilot, we were going to go somewhere in his car, and for absolutely no reason, he waited 45 minutes before he backed out of his driveway...” -

I got a MRI to see if I was claustrophobic

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A guy asked me if I had ever seen a UFO, I said, “Not from the outside...”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Dumb simply means you don’t know better. Stupid means you never will

No one knows that I am famous...

If you’re knees bent in the other way what would a chair look like ?

I am planning to be spontaneous

How old do you have to be to die of old age?

“A friend of mine is a pilot, we were going to go somewhere in his car, and for absolutely no reason, he waited 45 minutes before he backed out of his driveway...” -

I got a MRI to see if I was claustrophobic

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

A guy asked me if I had ever seen a UFO, I said, “Not from the outside...”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

One day a father, on his way home from work, suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for 19.95, Beach Barbie for 19.95, Disco Barbie for 19.95, Astronaut Barbie for 19.95, Skater Barbie for 19.95, and Divorced Barbie for 265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie 265.95 and the others only 19.95?' Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer,
one of Ken's Friends
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

popscomet
Posts: 9555
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 10:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

that's how it goes for sure...it's odd you posted a joke about today being a father's daughter's birthday,,,,,BECAUSE TODAY IS MY DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA !!!from your POP.....[ and the S code fasbak stang that I brought her home from the hosp is sitting in her back yard,50 yrs ago today]
Image
pop/glenda

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Today's Groaner...


A man goes to the optician for his annual eye test.
The optician puts a contraption on his face and asks him what he can see.
"I see empty airports and empty football stadiums" he says. "I see closed theaters, closed bars, and closed restaurants."
"That's perfect," says the optician, "You've got 2020 vision."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Guy walks into a bar waving a revolver. "who is the SOB who has been sleeping with my wife" he yelled.
A voice from the back said," I don't think you brought enough ammo".
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
__________________
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.
After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Wife calls her husband at work and says, "your cat got up on the roof, fell down and died".

When the husband gets home, he furiously tells his wife that bad news should be spread out. She should have said the cat was on the roof, and then called back later to say it had fallen and had gone to the vet, and then a few hours later, that the vet did everything they could.

A few weeks later, the wife calls the husband at work, "your mum's up on the roof".
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't!“
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A politician visits a remote northern reservation.

With news crews following him around as they tour the place, he asks the chief if there was anything they need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.

First, we have a medical clinic but no doctor to man it."

The politician whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days.

Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, the politician dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people.
Now what was that third problem?"

The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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