Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
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Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Three Brothers from India who had been devout Sikhs their entire lives were killed in a car accident and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. “Gentlemen” said St. Peter, “I’m sorry to tell you but Christianity was the way into Heaven. However, if you can tell me about Jesus Christ I can let you in.” The brothers didn’t know much about Christianity but after a brief chat they decided to try.





The first brother stepped forward and said. “Oh Jesus Christ, we know him well. He was born on Christmas Day. And every year to celebrate he dress in a Red Suit and take Toys and Presents to all the children.” *POOF* and the first brother was gone to purgatory.

The remaining brothers stared at each other for a minute and the second one stepped forward. “Oh Jesus Christ, we know him well.” he said, “My first esteemed brother was correct in that Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day, but he does NOT dress in a red suit nor does he take toys and presents to all the Children. In fact, he lived until he was 33 years old and was killed at Easter and to commemorate it every year he dresses in a Bunny Suit and takes Eggs and Candies to all the children.” *POOF* and the second brother disappeared.

St. Peter stared at the third brother and said “Well, we’re not doing real well here, but if you want to try, tell me about Jesus Christ.”“Oh Jesus Christ, we know him well.” he began. “My first esteemed brother was correct in that Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day, but he does NOT dress in a red suit nor does he take toys and presents to all the Children. My second esteemed brother was correct in that he lived until he was 33 years old and was killed, but he does NOT dress in a Bunny Suit or takes Eggs and Candies to all the children. In fact, after they killed him, he was entombed him for 3 days and on the 3rd day Angels came from heaven and opened the grave and he rose from the dead and Easter was born. Jesus Christ came forth from the tomb resurrected and gazed down upon his followers.” St. Peter was impressed at his knowledge and reached for the keys to the Pearly Gates as the third brother continued. “And as Jesus gazed down upon his followers, he saw his shadow, and we had 6 more weeks of winter!” *POOF*
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My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A little out of the ordinary for this thread, but it's a joke about car names--and right on the money!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShY-78zI5bk
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

..A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

So as the couple got older the husband became worried that his wife's hearing was fading. But he was afraid to confront her about it for fear she would be upset about the idea that she is aging.

He devised a plan to check without the risk of an insult.

She was in the kitchen preparing dinner. From the bedroom he yelled, "What's for dinner?"

No response.

So he moved to the the living room and again yelled, "What's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

He moved to the dinning room, closer to the kitchen. Once again, "What's for dinner?"

Still nothing.

He then proceeds to the kitchen, still speaking loudly, "What's for dinner?'

Again, nothing but silence.

She's standing at the sink with her back to him. He comes around behind her, arms around her waist and says into her ear, using his normal speaking tone, "What's for dinner?"

She turns, gives him the look, and says . . .

"FOR THE FIFTH TIME, IT'S CHICKEN!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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poboyjo65
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Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:40 pm
Location: Camden, Tenn.

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by poboyjo65 »

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"
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Johno
215-60-15 on 7x15's .... 29-15-15 on 10x15's

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Mechanics vs Doctors

Both heal the sick but a mechanic can bring back the dead

Doctors bury their mistakes but mechanics have to live with them

If you tell the mechanic insurance is not paying for it the price goes down.

If you tell the doctor insurance is not paying for it the price goes up.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Seven retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Leaving the Store, I couldn't find my Keys. They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A number of years ago, I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Husband's call:
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I
was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have
checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow
to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response:

"Who is Paula?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.
“Anything from $2 to $2,000.”
“Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man’s neck, and said: “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into the back of your shirt.”
“How does it work?” asked the customer.
“For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Interviewer: What would you consider your greatest weakness?

Applicant: I'm too honest.

Interviewer: That's not a weakne....

Applicant: I don't care what you think.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

What did the cannibals do after the wedding?


Toasted the happy couple.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

What is difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 407
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 7:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Well.... I think my license might be in jeopardy..
and all just because of a stupid state trooper...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:

Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Trooper: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Trooper:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Trooper:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Trooper:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me: "So... counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Trooper:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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