Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

I ask people what is the lowest rank in the army....they keep telling me it's private.

My uncle told me I should get a new car for my wife. I said "Yeh, I'll make that trade.

[Maine Pilot]

My ex-wife misses me... but her aim is getting better.

What if all the flights were grounded at John Lennon airport? Imagine all the people.

[Maine Pilot]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

[Maine Pilot]

I walked out of the house this morning with purple socks, blue plaid pants, a green paisley shirt and a red hat. I guess I have COVID. They say one of the symptoms is loss of taste.

[Maine Pilot]

Relationships are just like playing cards. In the beginning you just need two hearts, but in the end you need a club and a spade.

[Maine Pilot]

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I accidentally gave her the superglue. She’s still not talking to me!

[Maine Pilot]

Wife's birthday is coming up this week, she's been leaving all these jewelry magazines laying around.... so I got her a new magazine rack

[Maine Pilot]

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them. "

[Maine Pilot]

I just heard that the company that manufactures yardsticks isn't going to make them any longer.

The Earth is made up of 70% water, all of it un-carbonated.... so technically, it is flat.

[Maine Pilot]

Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk
to my family. They seem like nice people.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Fruit of the Loom is suing Hanes. It'll be a brief trial.

Measure once, cuss twice..

[Maine Pilot]

So what if I don't know what apocalypse means....it's not like it's the end of the world

Hats off to all organ donors, it takes guts.

Neighbor down the street has a Delorean, he drives it from time to time.

I’d like to try Venison... But I don't think I'm game.

You know the difference between a grandfather and a great grandfather? A grandfather is the father of one of your parents. A great grandfather left you a trust fund.

[Maine Pilot]

In America, we call it an elevator, in Europe, they call it a lift.....guess we're raised differently

Turned in my hearing aids for repair 2 weeks ago, haven't heard anything since

Well the 'ol lady is on the war-path again. The neighbor lady is sun-bathing in her birthday suit. Now personally, I'm on the fence

[Maine Pilot]

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know, some day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[Maine Pilot]

You know when I was dating my wife and brought her breakfast in bed, I just wanted a thank you. All this jumping up yelling "How did you get in my house" and dialing 911 is unnecessary

Friend told me he just joined a dating sight for arsonists.... said he's been getting quite a few matches.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

What does a sprinter eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!

Haven't spoke to the wife in two days. Didn't want to interrupt her

Why did the bee get married? He found his honey.

While helping my buddy work on his car, I asked his wife if she had anything to drink. She said "Water." I asked if she had anything harder, she said "Ice."

Cousin ask me what the difference was between a wife and a girlfriend, I told him "About 33 pounds."
__________________

[Maine Pilot]

It takes me 5 minutes to walk to the bar, but 35 minutes to walk back home. The difference is staggering.

There was a bad accident on the freeway near here, a truck carrying a full load Vicks Vapo Rub overturned. Strangely enough, even with all the holiday traffic, there was no congestion.

Did you hear about the two antennae who got married?
The ceremony wasn't up to much, but the reception was brilliant.