Do we have a Joke Thread here?

[Maine Pilot]

I worked for awhile as an optometrist, but the owner and I just couldn't see eye to eye.

I worked as a meat cutter also. The anxiety got to me, because the steaks were just too high.

I was a mycologist for a year or 2. My boss was a fungi, but I decided there just wasn't mushroom for career advancement.

I then tried my hand at being a fitness instructor, but that didn't work out either.

[Maine Pilot]

I got kicked out of the symphony last weekend.

It was disconcerting, to say the least.
I took my first visit to a house of ill repute last weekend.


To be honest, it was a very demoralizing experience.

I stayed up all last night wondering where the sun went. Then, it dawned on me.


The boss asked "Who is the stupid one, you or me?" I said "Boss, we all know you don't hire stupid people."

[Maine Pilot]

A blond enters an auto parts store and asks, "Do you have a longer dip stick for my car? This one isn't long enough to reach the oil."

[Maine Pilot]

My wife told me she didn't understand the science behind cloning. I replied, "That makes two of us."

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

[Maine Pilot]

To those of us in our senior years ...

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

[Jims65cyclone]

Aging hot-rodders don't go gray......they turn chrome.

Jim

[Jims65cyclone]

Know why cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

Jim

[Maine Pilot]

Math Jokes:

1. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
2. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
3. Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
4. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
5. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
6. How do you stay warm in any room?
Sit in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
7. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross.
8. Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.
9. Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.
10. I got arrested for doing calculus drunk. The officer told me to never drink and derive.

[Maine Pilot]

A buddy of mine works for the street dept. and just got busted for stealing. I didn't want to believe it, but when I went over to his house I saw the signs everywhere.

What did the little mathematical acorn say when he grew up? "Gee, I'm a tree!" (Ge-om-e-try).

A buddy of mine works for the street dept. and just got busted for stealing. I didn't want to believe it, but when I went over to his house I saw the signs everywhere.

I lost an argument with a 90 degree angle. Turned out it was right.

[Maine Pilot]

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”

[Maine Pilot]

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

[Jims65cyclone]

Why does the mushroom always get invited to all the parties? Because he's such a fun-gi.

Jim

[Maine Pilot]

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[Maine Pilot]

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

[Maine Pilot]

A young gal bought a new Mercedes and she couldn't drive it at night. She called the dealer and customer adviser came to her home. She said she never had a shifter on the console. He asked her exactly what she was doing, if I put the shifter in D and it works fine, but when I put the shifter in N for night it won't move.