Do we have a Joke Thread here?

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Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For Pete's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years...

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Two guys are in a car junkyard, looking for a part for a restoration project. They find the model they need, and as they walk around it, in all the high grass, see a big hole in front of the car. Out of curiosity, one throws a rock in the hole, but doesn't hear it hit bottom. "Dang, that's a deep hole," he thinks, and throws a bigger rock in. Still no sound of it hitting bottom. He points it out to his pal; his friend says, Help me with this", and grabs one end of an old transmission lying on the ground. They each grab an end, and heave it into the large hole, and wait to hear it hit bottom. Nothing. After a few seconds, they hear something behind them, and when they look, there is a large, white billy goat bearing down on them, head down, horns pointing up. One guy is between the goat and the hole, and, not wanting to get knocked in the hole, steps aside as the goat flies by and disappears into the hole.

As the two guys stand there, pondering the close call, the junkyard owner walks up, and asks them if they found what they need. he also asks, "By the way, you ain't seen my ol' billygoat around here have you? The one guy says, "Yeah, I guess it was him, He came runnin' straight at us, and I had to jump out of his way. he went down that hole there."

Junkyard owner said, "Nah, that couldn't a' been him; I had mine tied to an old truck transmission."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Mildred, the church gossip,
and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept
sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-
curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain
their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in
front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several
others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just turned and walked away.
He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his
pickup in front of Mildred’s house …. walked home ….
and left it there all night.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston, Texas.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Reverent Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?'

'Up here we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I’m coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.
She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread; be back in five minutes.”
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

On an 18th century warship, the captain is told by the lookout in the crow's nest that the enemy ship is within sight.

"Bring me my red shirt!" orders the captain.
"Why a red shirt?" questions the first mate.
"If I should get shot down during the battle, I don't want my sailors to lose faith and think that the battle is lost because I am injured or dying. A red shirt will hide the extent of my injuries."

Over the course of several hours they win the battle. Soon after, another call comes down from the crow's nest: "Captain, there are 10 more enemy ships on the horizon, heading this way!"

"Bring me my brown pants!" said the captain.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

On my 50th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A 32 year old pregnant woman started to go into labour, so her husband drove her to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none whatsoever. She and her husband were ecstatic....

After a couple of days they were allowed back home, as they arrived, the postman was dead on their doorstep...
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the
met the eye. Reading his mother's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates".


About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver Plate. You don't suppose that your mother took it do you?" John said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the Plate from my house. I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the Plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the Plate by now.

Love, Mum
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A Scottish boy named Angus decided he would move to America.

He found a cheap apartment and settled in.

About a week later his mom called and asked how things were going.

He says, Well, I like it here but there sure are some strange people living in the other apartments.

One lady just cries all day long, another one just lays on her floor above me and moans, and the guy beside me bangs his head on the wall all night!!

His mom says, Angus don't you be having anything to do with those strange people!

He says, don't worry mom, I just stay in my room and practice my bagpipes!!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a
corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents"


They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on
in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"


There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred,
and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."


The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They
can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis,
and order another round.


Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again
saying, "That's 40 cents, please."


They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've
each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.


Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
these for a dime apiece?"


“I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's
all the same.”


"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven
other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them
and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.


Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the
Bartender, "What's deal with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting
for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

popscomet
Posts: 9687
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

WOW !! that's watching your nickles and dimes..
Image
pop/glenda

Maine Pilot
Posts: 491
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?
'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

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