Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Off Topic Posts Welcome. Personal Attacks, Profanity or Obcenity will not be Tolerated.
Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified looking at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Got to work and the boss yells "You been late 5 times this week, you know what that means?"

I said "Yea, it's Friday"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

351 Pinto
Posts: 86
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2015 7:40 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by 351 Pinto »

Three quotes from Groucho Marx

"Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made."

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Not sure if this still holds true, but.... "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does by lifting one leg?"


Shake hands.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

A friend of mine was in a band called 'The Hinges' They opened for the 'Doors'.

What do you call a bunch of rabbits running backwards? A receding hairline.

The wife say's I got no sense of direction.
I said "Sheesh where did that come from?"
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Hey what do they call that soft tissue between a Shark's teeth? A slow swimmer

Went to the hospital and the doctor told me "Your wife will survive, but she's very critical." I said "Tell me about it."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

"Groaners"

I finally got a job at a factory that makes bicycle tires and wheels. If things go good, I'm going to be their spokes person.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people… But none of them work!

Wife said "You know, it's pathetic that every time it rains you stand there looking through the window." I said 'Well it would be less pathetic if you would let me in."
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I told the wife that in life you have to embrace your mistakes. She gave me a big hug
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

comethead
Posts: 5692
Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2003 7:44 pm
Location: Palmdale, CA

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by comethead »

Keep’em coming!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
1965 Caliente HT- 289/4 speed
1964 Falcon HT- track car- 302/4 speed
Image

popscomet
Posts: 9689
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2011 11:19 pm
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by popscomet »

you sure that wasn't my wife you said that to??...just the other day she gave me a hug ,out of no where and turned and walked away never saying a word :shock: :shock: pop
Image
pop/glenda

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

I went to donate blood this morning, but I'm never going to do it again. Too many stupid questions: "Who's blood is it"? "Where did you get the bucket"?
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Why do Ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks.

Bullets never quit their job ..... they get fired.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

If your wife says she'll be ready in 15 minutes. She will be.

There is no need to remind her every half hour.
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Maine Pilot
Posts: 492
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 8:39 am

Re: Do we have a Joke Thread here?

Post by Maine Pilot »

Found in the classifieds of a local newspaper:

To all of my neighbors in the Lake Wylie area of York…. I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard, toss my Beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my food on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your co-operation and understanding.,
My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen...and something else

Post Reply