COMET CENTRAL

I just arrived at the airport on a flight from Chicago and there’s a woman passed out on the baggage carousel! The good news - she’s coming around.

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. So, I took him to the vet. No word yet.

I got fired from the calendar factory. Don't know why — all I did was take a day off.

Why did the can crusher quit her job? Because it was soda pressing.

A blind cowboy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a blonde joke.

The lady next to him at the bar quickly speaks up and says "Well Mr. Blind Cowboy, the bartender has blonde hair and is also our bouncer, the guy on the other side of you has blonde hair and is a pro wrestler, and I'm a 175lb. woman with a black belt in Karate..... now are you sure you still want to tell a blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thought for a few moments and replied: "Well I guess not....I don't want to spend the rest of the night trying to explain it."

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, announcing to them all to follow God's command and "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply."
He's about to close the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner and not making a move to leave. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
The snakes reply, "That command doesn't apply to us."
Noah shakes his head and asks why.
"We don't," said the snakes, "we're adders."

The driver of a Semi Truck lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Shortly after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

Astonishing! said the truck driver to the crew chief. “What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”

"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

So an old friend called and asked if she could borrow $400 to help her pay her rent. I told her to give me a minute and let me check my account and I'll call right back. Before I could check my funds, my other friend called and said, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying." She then proceeded to tell me that she wants to use that $400 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be with him for the holidays.

I thought about it and decided to go ahead and give her the $400. After all, it is Christmas time...

A couple hours later, I get a call from the county jail, and it was her. She sounded kind of mad and screamed at me asking- "Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"

I told her "So you and your boyfriend would be together for the holidays. Merry Christmas!!!"

Randy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies. He took off his shoes to avoid waking up his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Randy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Randy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Randy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 67 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed
"Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and I took her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.

Why do I have to press 1 for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand?

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound!

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.

I joined a gym and asked the manager which machine would get me best prepared to meet a hot lady. He pointed to the ATM in the corner.

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I met the love of my life when I visited the zoo. She was standing by the giraffe enclosure wearing her uniform.

Straight away I knew she was a keeper.

You can turn a sofa into a sofabed simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

Patient: What did you do before becoming a dentist? Dentist: For a few years, I was in the army.
Patient: Oh? What did you do?
Dentist: I was a drill sergeant.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walked away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?”
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.”
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!”
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit cards and large Bank accounts. But... The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Stan: "Hey Dan, can you believe I just got a $300.00 ticket in the mail after a traffic camera caught me running a red light?"

Dan: "Just do what I do, take a picture of $300.00 and mail it back."

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"